Thursday, August 25, 2016

TORN

I've always been afraid of sounding self-absorbed when it comes to posting on Facebook. Thank heavens for blogs, where you can assume little or no people read. I've got to get this stuff out with a hope that getting it out on here will give me enough peace of mind to sleep.

ALSDKJFALSDIHFLSDKHFJALKDJFASLKJF ALSDKJ. Do you ever want to express something but it's enough to make you bury your head in your hands and just breathe deeply for a while?

*OK*.....



I know that the way I've led my life so far has been off the well-trod path, and all things considered I can't complain. I am thankful I'm on anti-depressants, that has mellowed me out considerably, and I think no matter what I do, that will help out a lot. I kind of bomb with intimacy and relationships due to shyness, but there are worse afflictions out there I'm sure!

Ever since deciding to move back to America in 2014, I've been torn about that decision. I've never felt so torn about something. One could always try to look at my life in Japan and my life here, and say choosing between the two was a win-win situation, but I can be a bit Eeyore-ish about it. Either life would leave me missing certain things about the one I wasn't living.

I've moved a lot. A fucking lot. And I've never been this torn. It's been a year and a half and I still think about Japan almost everyday. I have DREAMS about my job there, the kids, Minori, and I wake up bummed.

But when I came back here I'd made a promise to myself that I'd stay in Utah for more than a year this time (I haven't managed to do that for about a decade.), and I've succeeded. I've finally gotten to that phase of life where you know everyone pretty well, you've created your own persona, and you're comfortable and confident at work. And while I've loved a lot of the jobs I've had in the past, I love working at The MT Pit more than all of them. My opinion matters, I make big decisions for the company, I'm trusted and depended on, and the whole thing's a blast to do everyday.

But I also loved my job in Japan. A LOT. Yes, the unplanned surprise events, preparation and schedules were sometimes stressful, yes I struggled with the language, yes I REALLY struggled with being outgoing and meeting new people, and yes it sucked to be far away from my family. But I still loved my job, and loved living in Japan. I can't get into details but all in all I had amazing, AMAZING coworkers who wanted to see me happy and succeed there. I got to spend everyday with the most wonderful, smart, and loving 2-4 year olds you will ever meet. I gained a friend and sister, who was there for me and I was there for her. I gained a second family, who treated me like a daughter from the first moment I stepped through their door. I felt very loved in Japan. I'm not saying I don't feel loved here, I do. Of course I do. I just want to say that I most definitely felt loved and cared about in Japan as well.

It never ceased to make me feel warm inside to have Minori meet me at school with a lunch or gift from Okaasan (Minori's mom), because she hadn't seen me in a week and wanted to know how I was doing. There's a painting of mine hanging in Okaasan's kitchen. I painted it when I was feeling a little sad, and Minori asked me to come to her house to cheer up and relax for the weekend. We didn't busy ourselves that weekend, we just cooked some typical meals, watched TV, played with the pups, and went on walks. It didn't matter what we did, I always felt like I was safe and home when I was there. And on this particular weekend, I wanted to capture that feeling. So I took out my journal, sat on the back porch, and sketched the plum tree growing next to the porch, with it's branches covered in yummy Japanese plums. It was so relaxing to sit there, drink tea, and sketch. When I realized I was going to leave Japan, I went out and bought a canvas, to create a painted version of that view. It meant a lot to me, but it felt ten times better when I decided to give it to Okaasan and Otousan. I gave it to them for Christmas. That gift meant a lot more to them than I realized it would. They'd raised their children in that house, and were selling it that year so they could go back to Otousan's childhood home in Nagasaki. It felt good to give them a piece of their old home to take with them. I got to say Happy New Year to them over Skype last year, and we still message each other through Minori. I could communicate with them, but mostly in broken up simple Japanese words. It's an amazing feeling, to have people mean so much, without having to talk the same language.


There's a part, a large part, of me that never wanted to leave Japan. A part of me that felt terrible, that felt like I could've improved my speaking, and step out of my shell to meet new friends. A part of me that regrets not getting to teach the next batch of kids who were entering my Penguin class. One of them, a little 2 year old boy, I'd spent pretty much 9-4 everyday with anyways, because his parents worked all the time and we would be his daycare before and after school. I had so much fun with that chap. I'd amuse myself by teaching him big words I doubt most kids in Japan knew. I can still hear him in my head, saying things like "Tibia...Patella....Fu-ran-ken-shtine...Fu-ree-dam!!!" I'd gotten to know his sisters really well too, since the 3 of them took the optional Saturday class. And of course, I got to know his Mom. I remember dreading telling her, anyone at school, that I was leaving, but especially her. I wasn't afraid that she (or anyone) would get mad. I knew that when I told her, I'd feel an overwhelming feeling of "I could've helped ____ so much, but I'm letting you down by leaving." And I did. His mom cried when I told her. Heck, I cried when I told her. Everyone freaking cried. It was FUCKING TORTURE.  I felt and still feel guilty for having left after only a year. I wish I could've grown some balls and stayed there for 4 at least. If I had sucked at my job, I wouldn't have felt as bad leaving. But when you do a good job at something, it makes people sadder when you leave.

When my Japanese boss came out this summer with some students, I took her out to lunch to catch up. We talked about loads of fun things, we always did have fun times together. Once when we were in Korea together, we went to get some lunch. We got a ton of mini plates with small servings on them, and she got a bowl of noodles. We had chopsticks, nothing else. She lifted some noodles from her bowl, but they were super long. She raised her hand high above her head, but the end of the noodles was still in the bowl. I'd never seen anything so crazy, we were trying not to look like newbies making a spectacle. Eventually a server noticed, came over, and pointed to some Scissors tucked in a drawer on the table. They had freaking noodle-scissors. Korea. HA! Hilarious. Anyway, along the way, I asked about the students, and discovered that the teacher who'd taken my place was half japanese and rarely spoke English with the kids. I can't tell you how mad I was when I heard about this. My little GENIUS 2 year old was by now a 4 year old who speaks less English than when he was following me around during day-care. I'm still pissed about it. Also, the current Whale (oldest class) teacher is lazy with MY PENGUIN CLASS and disrespectful to the other teachers. I WANT TO FREAKING KILL HIM. AARLKJDSFLSDOFHEOIHFAOIGFASODIGfj

Everything was going so well my year. I got told many times that usually the new teacher brought drama to most big events in the school year, but that my year there, it was the first year of smooth sailing, with everyone helping each other out. Apparently most people who apply for positions like mine are just looking for a plane ticket to Japan. ASSES!!!! These are people's lives they're messing with!!

Not only are there 2 male teachers who don't know how to do their job, but Minori is struggling with some very hard situations out there, and because venting is not really a thing in Japan, the only person she feels ok venting to is me, but we can't call each other too much due to our crazy schedules. But my heart is aching for the shit she's going through, and what the school is going through, and it's overwhelming to feel and think about.

Ever since I left, a part of me has wanted to go back. And I could. I've been told countless times that I'll always have job anytime if I want to take it. Which only makes NOT taking it harder.

But I love my job here too. It's the first time I've put myself in the path of a career I actually went to school for. And I enjoy it, and the people I work with too. And the idea of leaving it makes me feel like I did when I told ___'s Mom that I was leaving.

And now comes the fucking cherry on top. One of those male teachers I was bitching about, is apparently giving his MONTH notice. I got a text about it a few hours ago. YOU CAN'T GIVE A MONTH NOTICE FOR A JOB LIKE THIS. You have to give at least 6, or 8 if you can manage it!! It's difficult to find someone willing to take on a job as big as that!!! It's not just watching kids from 10-3 while they color or play. They're not allowed to speak Japanese in school. There's a detailed schedule of subjects that need to be learned each month. There's a huuuuuge amount of prepping you have to do for each art project (2-3 a week. If you never read my blogs about how much that entails, then read on in ignorance.), there's helping them memorize and perform songs, dances and a freakin play at christmas. A 15 minute play....with lines.....performed by 3-4 year olds,,,,,,IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. So much stuff. And most people would get overwhelmed and bail. But toughing it out reaps the best rewards, so well worth it. What I wouldn't give to be able to refer people that I trusted for that kind of job. But the only people I honestly think have that kind of work ethic are my sisters and parents. Yes, they'd occasionally scream and feel a little bonkers from the huge workload placed on their shoulders, but they wouldn't give up, they'd keep going. And maybe I only had a huge workload because I brought it on myself. I wanted each thing to be special for the kids, I wanted them to enjoy their art projects, and for things to look and sound good. I've been told that one of these bad male teachers gave the same art assignment 3 weeks in a row. BUTTFACE! These kids are so smart, and they are getting put under the charge of a lazy butt. And it feels terrible. I could've done something. None of the teachers there come from a culture where confrontation and openness is a thing. I DO. I could've talked reasonably about things with those teachers, and if they didn't listen, I could've swatted them upside the head and at least warned Mihoko that she should start looking for a new teacher sooner. I could've at LEAST helped those classes. I don't care if it would've added more work for me, those kids deserve to have a teacher that wants them to learn and have fun.


AREOADLKFASF.

Ms Mihoko's text asked me if I knew of anyone who'd be available to go teach at the school starting anytime between the 21st-26th of SEPTEMBER. THIS IS THE MOST INSANE TIME FOR ANYONE TO BEGIN TEACHING THERE. #1, sports day is just around the corner so the kids have to start rehearsing a dance you have to choreograph yourself. #2 The Christmas party is in December, and the kids have to start learning their lines and blocking for that, starting on the first of September as well. So you've got to write a play, design costumes, create props, teach and choreograph 1 sports day dance, and 2 christmas play songs/dances. It's the craziest time of the year.

...It's also the busiest time of the year for MT Pit. Man...if the fall was the slow season for MT Pit I would've volunteered immediately. I've already been thinking about asking my MT Pit boss if I can bring my computer and hard drives to Japan for the summer so I can help do summer school. Next year of course. Although, while I don't see much of my family these days, I'd see even LESS of them if I moved back to Japan.ERK


adlifawpe oirupaeoiutr-w47n vpfa This sounds so crazy right? I can't make up my mind, and I do a good job at both jobs, and both would be sad if I wasn't working for them, and they both make me happy, and they both require a lot of time to train whoever takes my place......ASDLFIjhwqeoir hqpowir qpw8uv tp9q48 ertpqehjgn